Dating Maze # Wild Past
Our Mission: To prepare singles of baal teshuva background for dating and marriage with the support and guidance they need to navigate the shidduch process. Shidduchim, the Dating Scene at Penn, and the Baalat Teshuva The community is very Modern Orthodox, so shidduchim don't . To get back to the original topic, which was the challenge of the shidduch scene for baalei teshuvah , When I became a licensed Realtor, my first bit of advice given by a. He's led a pretty sheltered life and the only dating he's ever done is for marriage. The Jewish concept of teshuva ("return") is a process of regretting certain things we did in Submit Your Dating Advice Question . That being said, it's probably better to ask a shadchan or rabbi who knows the boy/girl than.
The good things need no dealing with. For unclear reasons many people think that they must say only complementary things when asked about somebody in regards to a shidduch. The opposite is true, and it is your job to pry this information from them.
Advice for Baalei Teshuva looking for a Shidduch
Pills of any kind? Stick close to home By this I mean, that you should prefer a shidduch with somebody of the same ethnicity, the same country, and as much the same background as possible. You will find that growing up in more or less the same environment, culturally speaking, is very important to ensure compatibility. Many will tell you that it is enough to see eye to eye on certain basic subjects, like how religious you want to be, or how to raise children not to mention that only time will teach you how religious you are and how you will raise with your children.
But that is not enough: In a famous reply of his the Lubavitcher Rebbe has mentioned that hundreds and thousands of shidduchim between Ashkenazim and Sephardim have worked out well.
I would be more interested in finding out how many of them have not, and why. In any case, my advice stands. If you are currently in a foreign country, consider returning to you home country before you start looking for a shidduch. If you are planning to stay where you are, make an effort to locate shadchanim who are themselves expatriates from the same country as you.
They are more likely to know people with a similar background to yours than the local shadchanim. You need to find out if the two of you think the same way, and if you like the other person as a person.
For these things, you need many more meetings, and even then there are no guarantees. However, when they actually hear the details, they can get stuck on them. If he asks about your prior sexual experience, you can answer honestly without going into details. It's something I have moved past. In our decades of working with dating and married couples, we can testify that — without exception — everyone who asked for details later regretted hearing them.
This harms a relationship in the precise way we've described.
Instead of giving details, you can explain that this is a part of your life that you don't like to think about, and that it doesn't have a connection to the future you hope to build together.
Dealing with Guilt We've answered your question about when, if, and how to tell this man about your past. Right now, you're disgusted and embarrassed about what you've done.
That's a common reaction for someone whose worldview has changed because she's matured and chosen a more conservative lifestyle. When we undergo this process of regret, we become a changed person. The Jewish concept of teshuva "return" is a process of regretting certain things we did in the past, asking God for forgiveness, and committing not to do them in the future.
Rebbetzins: Your Shidduch Dating Guide
The essence of teshuva is that when we undergo this process, we become a changed person. We're not the same person we were before.
This is one of the great gifts the Almighty gives us — the ability to sincerely regret, forgive ourselves, be forgiven, and wipe the slate clean. Teshuva is actually an ongoing, lifelong process in which we continually try to be better people and renew ourselves. Sometimes the leap forward is large and dramatic; sometimes it is small and imperceptible. If you can look at yourself as someone who has grown beyond who you were in the past, you can stop fixating on prior mistakes and concentrate on being proud of your growth and forward movement in life.
It can be difficult to make a transition from the type of social dating you engaged in before to the goal-focused dating for marriage you are now choosing. If the answers to these questions are in concert with what you are looking for, then go for it. A boy who is frum from age 13, sounds solid to me.
I also agree with the sentiment. March 23, March 25, 2: Each individual is very different. March 25, 4: I am saying that this IS something that could very well occur.
Even if he has the whole yeshivish FFB lingo down pat, his background is part of who he is. If someone asks him where his father davens, should he lie?
If she dates this boy, she needs to make her peace with this.